


Dave: Host Blue's Clues

by dontrush



Series: Dave Strider, Celebrity Impersonator [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy, Dialogue-Only, Gen, Meteor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-24
Updated: 2012-12-24
Packaged: 2017-11-22 07:58:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/607587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontrush/pseuds/dontrush
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dave finds a video camera aboard the meteor, he gets Kanaya to help him fulfill his lifelong dream of starring in his own episode of Blue's Clues.  But might there be an even bigger mystery beneath the surface?  </p><p>The mystery at hand: Who stole Dave's apple juice? </p><p>In order to solve it, Dave will have to piece together three clues left by the ever-elusive <strike>Blue</strike> Gamzee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dave: Host Blue's Clues

**Author's Note:**

> Art by the talented[Shubbabang](http://shubbabang.tumblr.com/)

DAVE: are we rollin   
KANAYA: We Are Recording   
KANAYA: Is That What Rolling Means   
DAVE: yeah   
KANAYA: Then Yes   
DAVE: sweet   
DAVE: you know how to work that thing right   
KANAYA: Its Just A Camcorder   
KANAYA: I Simply Point It At Whatever You Tell Me To   
KANAYA: And The Footage Is Stored Digitally For Future Generations To Scrutinize   
KANAYA: What I Dont Understand Is What Exactly We Are Going To Do With It   
DAVE: its like you said   
DAVE: with all the crazy shit that goes on on this meteor we ought to record it for future generations   
DAVE: assuming we actually end up repopulating this bitch   
KANAYA: That Much Makes Sense   
KANAYA: What I Dont Understand Is Why You Are Choosing To Do So In The Guise Of Your Earth Childrens Television Show   
DAVE: you mean blues clues   
DAVE: well first of all   
DAVE: when humans have kids and they dont feel like dealing with them   
DAVE: they use tv as a sort of instant babysitter   
DAVE: normal parents do anyway   
DAVE: my bro on the other hand was always happy to make time in his busy schedule to beat the shit out of me   
DAVE: but since im too lazy to be that awesome   
DAVE: im gonna need a fallback plan   
KANAYA: So Since You Dont Have Any Episodes Of This Show Laying About   
KANAYA: You Decided To Just Make Your Own   
DAVE: exactly   
DAVE: but more importantly   
DAVE: im doing this because blues clues fucking rules   
DAVE: end of story   
KANAYA: Okay But   
KANAYA: Is That Awful Striped Shirt Really Necessary   
KANAYA: I Really Dont Think Green Is Your Color   
DAVE: the steve shirt is basically the most important fucking part   
KANAYA: ...   
KANAYA: Understood   
DAVE: aight litebrite   
DAVE: you ready to roll?   
KANAYA: I Thought We Were Already Rolling   
DAVE: ...   
DAVE: just follow me to the damn kitchen

==>

DAVE: here we are in the kitchen   
DAVE: and look over there   
DAVE: its our old pal rose   
DAVE: what are you up to   
ROSE: Not much.   
ROSE: And you?   
ROSE: What's with the video camera?   
DAVE: were recording our very own episode of blues clues   
ROSE: Is that so?   
ROSE: Well, it must be awfully convenient having a camerawoman who is also a light source.   
ROSE: But how, might I ask, did you rope Kanaya into this?   
KANAYA: Well He Said That This Show Was Very Important For The Development Of Human Babies   
KANAYA: The Matriorb May Have Been Destroyed But I Still Consider Myself Responsible For The Future Of My Race   
KANAYA: So If By Some Miracle We Manage To Start The Troll Species Anew   
KANAYA: I Would Like To Have As Many Resources As Possible At My Service To Help Raise Them   
ROSE: I see.   
ROSE: Well, if it's that important to you, I won't get in your way.   
ROSE: But when you finish recording, Kanaya, I humbly request that you come see me.   
ROSE: I've got something planned for the two of us.   
KANAYA: Sounds Intriguing   
KANAYA: How Would You Like Me To Dress   
ROSE: Oh, you don't have to wear anything in particular.   
DAVE: rose   
DAVE: that last sentence had an awfully long pause after the word anything   
DAVE: and put your fucking eyebrows down goddamn kids are gonna be watching this   
ROSE: Fine, I'll let you two get on with your little show.   
DAVE: wait   
DAVE: before you go   
DAVE: do you have some sort of mystery or something we can use   
ROSE: Pardon?   
DAVE: look   
DAVE: i didnt exactly plan this whole thing through   
DAVE: in the show theres supposed to be this overarching mystery that gets solved   
DAVE: and to solve it we have to find clues   
DAVE: hence the name of the show   
DAVE: but im not aware of any mysteries that need solving so...   
DAVE: come on rose im dying here you gotta have something anything   
ROSE: There's nothing I can think of.   
ROSE: I do have a surprise for you, though.   
DAVE: what   
ROSE: Well, after sobering up, I spent a long time thinking about the problem at hand. I finally realized that I was going about the whole thing the wrong way. You see, if it is impossible to recreate what one wants through addition, then by process of elimination, one must use subtraction if one is to successfully recreate it. Now this is obviously easier said than done, but this is ameliorated by the fact that the object in question-   
DAVE: i thought you said you had a surprise   
DAVE: whats so surprising about rose being longwinded   
ROSE: ...   
ROSE: I figured out a way to make apple juice.   
DAVE: seriously   
ROSE: I put a bottle in the fridge for you.   
DAVE: oh hell yes   
DAVE: shit just got fuckin LEGIT   
DAVE: its like the shit went back in time and married his parents to each other before they had him   
DAVE: aint nobody can call that shit a bastard now   
DAVE: cause that shit is now 100% fucking LEGITIMATE   
DAVE: *absconds*   
ROSE: You're Welcome, Dave.   
ROSE: (Rude.)   
KANAYA: (Look At Him Go)   
KANAYA: (Is He Always This Excited About-)   
ROSE: (Yes.)   
ROSE: (You had better run along, Kanaya.)   
ROSE: (I'm sure my brother wants this historic moment on tape.)   
DAVE: kanaya are you getting this???   
DAVE: i want this historic moment on tape dammit   
KANAYA: Im Coming Im Coming   
KANAYA: Okay Im Here   
DAVE: ...   
DAVE: kanaya   
KANAYA: Yes   
DAVE: are you seeing what im seeing   
KANAYA: ...Yes?   
DAVE: so you can see what the problem is   
KANAYA: Um   
KANAYA: Well Of Course I Do   
KANAYA: Why Wouldnt I   
KANAYA: But   
KANAYA: Could You Fill Me In   
KANAYA: You Know   
KANAYA: For The Sake Of Our Viewers   
DAVE: the problem   
DAVE: is   
DAVE: THERES NO FUCKING APPLE JUICE IN THIS DAMN FRIDGE   
KANAYA: Stay Calm Dave   
KANAYA: No Use Getting Bent Out Of Shape Over This   
DAVE: kanaya   
DAVE: it has been two fucking years since i have had apple juice   
KANAYA: I Know But   
KANAYA: Its Just Juice Dave   
DAVE: just juice   
DAVE: JUST JUICE????   
DAVE: kanaya its my FAVORITE KIND of juice   
DAVE: and i ought to be drinking it now   
DAVE: but someone snatched away my bottle of liquid gold   
DAVE: just when the cup of happiness was at my lips   
KANAYA: Is It A Cup Or A Bottle   
DAVE: its neither cause i DONT HAVE ANY   
DAVE: cant you let me have this crazy attack of the sads in peace   
KANAYA: Erm   
KANAYA: There There   
KANAYA: Look On The Bright Side   
KANAYA: Youre Making A New Episode Of Blues Clues   
KANAYA: And Isnt That What Really   
KANAYA: (Sigh)   
KANAYA: (Keep A Straight Face Kanaya)   
KANAYA: Isnt That What Really Matters Dave   
DAVE: wait   
DAVE: thats it!   
KANAYA: What   
DAVE: thats our mystery   
DAVE: alright kids   
DAVE: its time to solve the mystery of who took my fuckin aj   
KANAYA: Uhh Dave   
KANAYA: Couldnt We Just Ask Rose To Make More Apple Ju-   
DAVE: stop saying words   
DAVE: here comes our first clue   
DAVE: look   
DAVE: in the fridge   
DAVE: its a pair of sunglasses   
DAVE: look kids its got gamzee prints on it   
KANAYA: Wait What   
KANAYA: Let Me See That   
DAVE: dont touch it its a clue   
KANAYA: That Does Appear To Be One Of His Signature Clown Emoticons   
KANAYA: Written In What Appears To Be   
DAVE: whoa whoa whoa stop trying to lick the clue girl   
KANAYA: I Was Just Trying To Confirm That Gamzee Wrote That In His Blood   
DAVE: hmm   
DAVE: time for our handy dandy   
DAVE: ...   
KANAYA: ...   
DAVE: (psst)   
DAVE: (kanaya)   
KANAYA: (What)   
DAVE: (say notebook)   
KANAYA: (Why)   
DAVE: (look when i say handy dandy you say notebook its as simple as that)   
KANAYA: (...)   
KANAYA: (Sigh)   
DAVE: (alright you didnt know so ill let it slide this time)   
DAVE: (once more with feeling)   
DAVE: time for our handy dandy   
KANAYA: ...   
KANAYA: Notebook   
DAVE: yeah thats it   
DAVE: now first we draw two pointy teardrop type shapes   
DAVE: then we connect them with a little bent line   
DAVE: and there you have it   
DAVE: terezis shades   
DAVE: now i wonder what terezis shades would be doing in the fridge...   
KANAYA: Are   
KANAYA: Are You Using Roses Catalog Of Sburb Knowledge As Your Notebook   
DAVE: what of it   
KANAYA: I Just Cant Even   
KANAYA: Truly Your Befuddlingly Obstinate Nature Is The Ultimate Riddle   
DAVE: ...   
DAVE: well then   
DAVE: time to go look for more clues   
KANAYA: More Clues   
KANAYA: Might These Clues By Any Chance Lead Us To Gamzee   
DAVE: uh   
DAVE: i guess   
DAVE: i mean probably seeing as hes the one leaving em   
KANAYA: ...   
KANAYA: Well Then   
KANAYA: Time To Go Look For More Clues

==>

DAVE: we are looking for apple juice   
DAVE: cause apple juice is fuckin great   
DAVE: now were in a big ass corridor kids   
DAVE: wonder what kind of shit well find next   
KANAYA: I Had A Question Dave   
DAVE: yeah   
KANAYA: If Children Are Going To Watch This Then Why Arent You Toning Down The Language   
DAVE: like it even matters anymore   
DAVE: is there honestly anyone alive who gives a shit about cussing   
KANAYA: I Suppose Not But-   
KANAYA: !   
KANAYA: Look A Clue   
DAVE: what where   
KANAYA: Over There By The Grate   
DAVE: youre right   
DAVE: look kids its a set of claws   
DAVE: time for our handy dandy   
DAVE: ...   
KANAYA: Oh Right Sorry   
KANAYA: Notebook   
DAVE: there you go   
DAVE: now first we draw a fingerless glove   
DAVE: then three long sharp bits   
DAVE: do that all again and presto   
DAVE: one set of claws   
KANAYA: They Appear To Be Nepetas   
DAVE: remind me who that is again   
KANAYA: She Is The Cat One Who Had A Crush On Karkat   
DAVE: oh right   
DAVE: i wonder what her claws are doing out here by this air vent   
KANAYA: Well Gamzee Probably Dropped Them Here On His Way Into The Vent   
KANAYA: He Presumably Drew The Smiley Face On A Whim   
KANAYA: But The Blood On The Tips Of The Claws Here Doesnt Seem To Be His   
KANAYA: Its More Teal In Color   
KANAYA: Looks Like A Closer Match To-   
DAVE: shhhhh   
DAVE: you know what time it is?   
KANAYA: Uhh   
KANAYA: Well As The Hero Of Time You Understand As Well As Anyone That The Notions Of Time And Space Are Less Concrete Out Here   
DAVE: wrong answer   
DAVE: its mailtime mailtime MAILTIME   
DAVE: normally id open up a letter from some kid   
DAVE: but in leiu of that ill just have to read a message off of pesterchum   
DAVE: just let me pull out my phone here   
DAVE: we just got a message we just got a message   
DAVE: we just got a message wonder who its from   
DAVE: well its from terezi...   
DAVE: ...and this is all WAY too filthy to read to children   
DAVE: so i guess theres no mailtime kids   
DAVE: your fault really   
DAVE: you want mailtime so badly then send some goddamn letters you little shits   
KANAYA: Not To Disregard The Outright Impossibility Of That   
KANAYA: But Speaking Of Terezi We Ought To Return Her Shades To Her   
KANAYA: Dont You Think   
DAVE: agreed   
DAVE: plus she might have some valuable information on the whereabouts of my apple juice

==>

DAVE: we are gonna play gamzees clues   
DAVE: and find my fuckin aj   
DAVE: look everyone   
DAVE: its our good friend terezi   
TEREZI: OH!   
TEREZI: D4V3 >:O   
TEREZI: HOW UN3XP3CT3D   
KANAYA: My My My   
KANAYA: Someones Looking Disheveled Today   
KANAYA: Or Are The Inside Out Shirt Mussed Hair And Blood Smeared Around Your Lips Some Sort Of Fashion Statement   
TEREZI: UH...W3LL...   
DAVE: give her a break kanaya   
DAVE: shes blind remember   
KANAYA: Right   
KANAYA: And I Suppose All Those Bite Marks Were Left There By Her Blindness As Well   
DAVE: anyway terezi   
DAVE: this is that project i was telling you about   
TEREZI: YOU M34N TH3 BLU3S CLU3S ON3   
DAVE: yeah   
DAVE: weve found two clues already   
KANAYA: One Of Them Was Your Glasses   
KANAYA: Stained With Gamzees Blood   
KANAYA: I Took The Liberty Of Cleaning Them For You   
KANAYA: Here They Are   
TEREZI: UMMM...TH4NKS   
DAVE: the other was a set of claws   
TEREZI: N3P3T4S CL4WS?   
TEREZI: WH3R3 W3R3 TH3Y?   
KANAYA: We Never Said They Were Nepetas   
KANAYA: But We Found Them By A Grate   
KANAYA: And They Also Had Gamzees Blood On Them   
KANAYA: Not To Mention A Certain Other Donor   
DAVE: and were gettin to the bottom of this mystery   
TEREZI: SH1T   
TEREZI: 1 M34N   
TEREZI: 1S TH4T SO?   
TEREZI: 4ND WH4T MYST3RY WOULD TH4T B3?   
TEREZI: H3H3   
DAVE: were going to find out who stole my apple juice   
KANAYA: ...   
TEREZI: ...   
DAVE: and it looks like weve found our last clue   
DAVE: its...   
DAVE: my god its...   
KANAYA: Its Terezi Herself   
TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU M34N?   
DAVE: this symbol on the back of your shirt   
TEREZI: 1 H4V3 NO 1D34 WH4T YOUR3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT   
KANAYA: He Is Referencing The Winking Clown Face Drawn In Your Blood On The Side Of Your Shirt   
KANAYA: The One Right Next To The Claw Marks On Your Back   
TEREZI: OH   
TEREZI: THOS3   
TEREZI: L1ST3N 1TS NOT WH4T 1T LOOKS L1K3   
TEREZI: 1 C4N 3XPL41N   
DAVE: oh its exactly what it looks like   
DAVE: and by that i mean it looks like its time for our handy dandy   
KANAYA: ...   
KANAYA: Are We Seriously Still Doing This   
KANAYA: Its Almost Painfully Obvious What Has Transpired   
DAVE: kanaya   
DAVE: im hearing a lot of words coming out of your mouth   
DAVE: and none of them are notebook   
KANAYA: Do I Really Have To   
DAVE: listen litebrite   
DAVE: the quicker you say notebook the sooner you can go hook up with rose and   
DAVE: and   
DAVE: french kiss or something   
KANAYA: Sigh   
KANAYA: ...Notebook   
DAVE: (now was that so hard)   
KANAYA: (Could You Please Get On With It)   
DAVE: first we draw this weird ham shape for the mouth   
DAVE: big red circles for the eyes   
DAVE: two triangles for the horns   
DAVE: then just add the hair and viola   
DAVE: one terezi pyrope   
KANAYA: Are We Done Now   
DAVE: not yet   
DAVE: we still have to piece it all together   
KANAYA: Piece It All   
KANAYA: You Cannot Honestly Be This Obtuse   
DAVE: but before we can do that we have to get to the thinking chair   
TEREZI: TH1NK1NG...CH41R? >:/   
DAVE: yes terezi a thinking chair   
DAVE: how else am i going to solve this mystery   
DAVE: TO THE THINKING CHAIR   
TEREZI: (LOOK 4T H1M GO)   
TEREZI: (DO3S H3 4LW4YS G3T TH1S 3XC1T3D 4BOUT-)   
KANAYA: (Yes)   
KANAYA: (And By The Way Terezi)   
KANAYA: (After Im Done Here Im Going To Come Back Here And Dress Your Wounds)   
KANAYA: (If You Catch My Drift)   
TEREZI: (YOU M34N YOUR3 GO1NG TO...)   
TEREZI: (QU3NCH YOUR TH1RST >;])   
KANAYA: (What No)   
KANAYA: (Well Yes Actually I Am Obviously Going To Do That)   
KANAYA: (However I Meant To Imply That We Would Have A Discussion About Their Cause)   
TEREZI: (BUT WH4T 4BOUT YOUR D4T3 W1TH ROS3?)   
KANAYA: (Oh Right)   
KANAYA: (Ill Just Invite Her)   
KANAYA: (Shes Actually Interested In What You And I Were Going To Do Anyway)   
TEREZI: (W41T)   
TEREZI: (1S SH3 1NT3R3ST3D 1N TH3 CONV3RS4T1ON)   
TEREZI: (OR TH3 F33D1NG)   
KANAYA: (Knowing Rose)   
KANAYA: (Probably Both)

==>

KANAYA: Sorry Im Late   
KANAYA: We Ought To Wrap This Up Soon   
KANAYA: Im Almost Out Of Battery   
DAVE: there you are kanaya   
DAVE: maybe you could convince karkat to get the fuck out of my thinking chair   
KARKAT: *YOUR* THINKING CHAIR?   
KARKAT: THINK AGAIN, STRIDER.   
KARKAT: OH WAIT THAT'S RIGHT, YOU CAN'T BECAUSE YOUR BRAIN IS APPARENTLY POWERED BY UPHOLSTERY.   
KARKAT: COME ON, KANAYA, TELL THIS MORON TO STEP OFF.   
KANAYA: Karkat Please   
KANAYA: Just Give Up The Chair   
KARKAT: GODDAMNIT NOT YOU TOO   
KARKAT: AM I THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS METEOR WHO HASN'T LOST HIS MIND?   
KANAYA: Listen To Me   
KANAYA: I Want This To Be Over Just As Much As You Do   
KANAYA: It Wont Take Long And You Can Have The Chair Back Afterwards   
KARKAT: ...   
KANAYA: Please Karkat   
KANAYA: Will You Do It For Me   
KARKAT: ...   
KARKAT: FINE.   
DAVE: hell yes   
KARKAT: BUT YOU GET FIVE MINUTES, ALRIGHT?   
KARKAT: AND I'LL BE WATCHING, SO DON'T TRY TO PULL ANYTHING FUNNY.   
DAVE: just stay out of the shot and its fine by me   
DAVE: well kids here we are in our thinking chair   
DAVE: lets take a look at our three clues   
DAVE: theres terezis glasses   
DAVE: claws that belong to gamzee   
DAVE: and terezi with claw marks on her but no glasses   
DAVE: now how do they all fit together?   
KANAYA: ...   
KANAYA: That   
KANAYA: Please Tell Me Thats A Rhetorical Question   
DAVE: ive got it   
DAVE: it was obviously...   
DAVE: karkat   
KARKAT: ...WHAT?   
KANAYA: You   
KANAYA: Youre Kidding Me   
KANAYA: There Is No Way You Are Not Kidding Me Right Now   
DAVE: dont try to deny it karkat we all know you took my juice   
KARKAT: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!   
DAVE: yeah yeah like i havent heard that one before   
KANAYA: Boys   
DAVE: what did you do with it   
KARKAT: I DIDN'T TAKE YOUR FUCKING JUICE ASSHOLE   
DAVE: yeah you did   
DAVE: now where is it   
KANAYA: Boys Stop It   
KARKAT: LET GO OF ME YOU SON OF A BITCH   
DAVE: give me my juice and maybe i will   
KARKAT: I ALREADY TOLD YOU I DON'T -OW   
KARKAT: HAVE YOUR JUICE YOU MANIAC   
KANAYA: Dear Lord   
KANAYA: I Dont Have The Fucking Energy For This Anymore   
DAVE: hand it over   
KARKAT: WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN YOU THICKHEADED FUCK   
KANAYA: Listen Dave Im Setting The Camcorder Down   
KARKAT: WHAT?   
KARKAT: YOU'VE BEEN RECORDING ALL OF THIS?   
KANAYA: When Youre Done With Your Egregious Display Of Hatred Itll Be Right Here If You Want To Edit The Footage   
KANAYA: As For Me   
KANAYA: I Need A Fucking Drink   
KARKAT: DON'T LEAVE ME HERE WITH THIS PSYCHOPATH KANAYA   
KARKAT: AND ITS NOT LIKE THAT DAMMIT THIS IS STRAIGHT-UP PLATONIC ENMITY   
KARKAT: MIXED WITH A VIGOROUS HELPING OF FEAR FOR MY OWN LIFE   
KARKAT: SHIT. SHE'S GONE.   
DAVE: thats right karkat   
DAVE: now theres no one who can save from your very own aj apeshit apocalyspe   
KARKAT: FUCK.   
DAVE: take this you juice jacking bastard   
KARKAT: SHIT SHIT SHIT HE'S GOT HIS CAPE OVER MY HEAD   
KARKAT: SOMEBODY HELP ME   
DAVE: shh   
DAVE: no words   
DAVE: only pain now   
KARKAT: ARRGHGHHGGHELRARGLKPELKLLSKSSKSKKKK   
GAMZEE: (well well well)   
GAMZEE: (WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK DO WE HAVE HERE)   
GAMZEE: (looks like a recording device)   
KARKAT: ERRNFUCKNIGSHITHEADPLWRFWEBFFFFfff   
GAMZEE: (DON'T MIND IF I DO)   
GAMZEE: (into the grates with you)   
GAMZEE: (SO WE CAN GET AWAY FROM THAT WICKED NOISE)   
KARKAT: AAAAaaaa...   
GAMZEE: just me and you camera   
GAMZEE: THOUGHT I MIGHT MOTHERFUCKING SHOW YOU SOMETHING   
GAMZEE: i found a miracle a while ago   
GAMZEE: AND THIS LITTLE MIRACLE IS MOTHERFUCKING CALLED...   
GAMZEE: apple juice   
GAMZEE: HONK   
GAMZEE: :o)


End file.
